I've been plagued with worries about living at home with Cambria lately. I would give almost anything to be able to take my new baby home to my own place. I know I will need my mother's help and I will appreciate all the help I can get, but I'm afraid that I won't feel like she's mine. I'll bring her home and everyone will know her sleep schedule, her personality traits, and everything about her just as quickly as I do. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents so much and I am so grateful for everything they do for me/us.
My sister raised Veronica living at home with my parents and my mom became "mom- mom" to Veronica. I love my mother, but I don't want her to be a second mom to my baby. I want to know her sleep schedule, her favorite foods, her likes and dislikes, and I want to be the first to know them. I know it takes a village to raise a child, but... I'd like to, at least, be the mayor of that village. I'm just afraid that she will never feel like she belongs to me as long as I have my parents to lean on and use.
Grandparents are for spoiling and playing, not living with and disciplining. If I say that I don't want Cambria to have any candy that day (for example), I don't want her to live with people who can turn around and give it to her because they're the "grandparents" and that's what grandparents do. I'm not saying that I think my parents would go behind my back or challenge my disciplining methods or anything, but they will be apt to spoil their grand kids, as they should. I don't want to feel like every move I make is being judged and shared with the rest of the family (aunts and uncles). If I choose to put Cambria in "time out" for five minutes and my parents think it's a little harsh, I don't really want to hear it. Maybe I'm sounding mean, but I'm really worried about it.
Even as a newborn baby, I will want to spend alone- time with my own little family as much as possible without distractions. But I know the effect a cute baby can have and it will be impossible for our family members to give us privacy I fear. Some people don't mind sharing their children with other people, but I do. All I've ever wanted in life is to have my own family and now that I am having one, I want it to be my own and not anyone else's.
I know I'm being paranoid and a little stuck- up, but it's just something that's been on my mind lately. When the time comes, I know I'll be so grateful to have my parents there to watch Cambria while I take a quick nap or a shower. I will love Cambria so much and adore every little thing that she does and I know I'll want to share that with everyone else, but right now I feel trapped by our situation and I feel like we're going to be stuck here forever. I'm thinking that she'll be turning three and I'll still be living with my parent's in Rittman. God, no, please.
I want my parents to have the experience of being grandparents with Cambria. With Veronica, they never really had that. With Ryan and Lydia's baby, they'll be able to be grandparents and s/he won't be living with them. But Cambria will be here, living with them.
There are so many things I want for my child/ren and some times I feel like it's unattainable. I had a very poor childhood and I was well aware of it. I don't want my child/ren to feel the pressures of poverty. The least I could do is offer her a bedroom of her own and I can't even do that. I want to be her number one, one and only mommy.
Just to reiterate and clarify, I don't fear that my parents are going to behave like "second parents" to Cambria and I don't feel like they wouldn't give us privacy. I don't have anything against my parents and I am very grateful for everything they are doing for us. I think these are natural worries/feelings and I don't think they would disagree with me. I love them very much and I wish I could give them the opportunity to be grandparents who spoil and not grandparents who co-raise. I just want my own life with my own family and the idea of that not happening for awhile just makes me want to give up right now. But... I don't have that option anymore. I wish I could provide more for her.
-Alicia
Monday, June 18, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Yard Sailing (sic)
Cody, Lydia (my brother's wife), and I went to the "Seville Yard Sales" Friday and it was a great success. I went on a mission to find a playpen/bassinet and after hours of hunting and shopping, I found one buried under a blanket in a wagon in the back of their yard. We examined the playpen and it said "bassinet" on it, so we bought it for $20. When I got it home, I opened it up and was so pleased to discover that it has pink, purple, and turquoise dinosaurs all over it! However, the bassinet feature wasn't working or we're missing a few pieces, so I was disappointed with that. But dinosaurs for my little girl! How exciting!
We also got an exersaucer, a blanket, a Dr. Seuss book, and a "dirt buster" type vacuum cleaner so we don't have to lug out the heavy duty vacuum when we need to get some little pieces up off the floor. There were so many great baby items at the yard sales and I wanted to look through it all (and buy it all) but I couldn't... and I didn't. There were plenty of cute clothes, but I'm trying to hold back on clothes. We were looking for a 3- 6 month or 3- 9 month snowsuit, but we could only find 0-3 or 6-9. We might just have to wait until the season is directly upon us to find a decent one in the exact size we need it.
My goal has been to get through this pregnancy without puking. However, my heartburn has become so bad I don't know if I can make it. I get heartburn from drinking water, taking my vitamins, eating a Popsicle, and anything else that goes into or near my mouth. I'm back to feeling nauseous in the mornings and that is not fun. I thought I was over that after the first trimester, but I guess it's here for a little visit as we make our way into the third trimester.
Well, it's off to church we go! Today is Cody's first Father's Day :-) I woke him up and said, "You're going to be a daddy... in case you didn't know, I thought I should go ahead and tell you." He just smiled and nodded his head. He's going to be a great daddy. I just know it.
-Alicia
We also got an exersaucer, a blanket, a Dr. Seuss book, and a "dirt buster" type vacuum cleaner so we don't have to lug out the heavy duty vacuum when we need to get some little pieces up off the floor. There were so many great baby items at the yard sales and I wanted to look through it all (and buy it all) but I couldn't... and I didn't. There were plenty of cute clothes, but I'm trying to hold back on clothes. We were looking for a 3- 6 month or 3- 9 month snowsuit, but we could only find 0-3 or 6-9. We might just have to wait until the season is directly upon us to find a decent one in the exact size we need it.
My goal has been to get through this pregnancy without puking. However, my heartburn has become so bad I don't know if I can make it. I get heartburn from drinking water, taking my vitamins, eating a Popsicle, and anything else that goes into or near my mouth. I'm back to feeling nauseous in the mornings and that is not fun. I thought I was over that after the first trimester, but I guess it's here for a little visit as we make our way into the third trimester.
Well, it's off to church we go! Today is Cody's first Father's Day :-) I woke him up and said, "You're going to be a daddy... in case you didn't know, I thought I should go ahead and tell you." He just smiled and nodded his head. He's going to be a great daddy. I just know it.
-Alicia
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Heartburn
I don't feel good today and I don't want to go work 7.5 hours in retail. The money is the only thing keeping me at my job. However, I'm trying to get a babysitting job on the side so I can make some money instead of sitting around the house on my days off (which are more days than I work). Nobody's going to hire me anywhere else, so I figure babysitting is my best bet. I'm due in September, so I can work through the summer.
I had my glucose screening test yesterday and after I drank the glucose, I had awful heartburn and stomach aches all day. I even got dizzy once and had to eat because I felt so faint. The heat is getting to me and stomach aches all day long don't help. The box of Tums says not to exceed 10 in one day, so I took 8 yesterday and called it quits. The heartburn can be really unbelieveable at times.
I'm going to ask my boss if I can take a lot of little breaks today because I really don't think I can be on my feet for that long. I should've gotten a doctor's excuse. Oh, well.
-Alicia
I had my glucose screening test yesterday and after I drank the glucose, I had awful heartburn and stomach aches all day. I even got dizzy once and had to eat because I felt so faint. The heat is getting to me and stomach aches all day long don't help. The box of Tums says not to exceed 10 in one day, so I took 8 yesterday and called it quits. The heartburn can be really unbelieveable at times.
I'm going to ask my boss if I can take a lot of little breaks today because I really don't think I can be on my feet for that long. I should've gotten a doctor's excuse. Oh, well.
-Alicia
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Week 25, Baby Gear, and Second Baby Shower!
Nothing much going on. Just keeping everyone updated. Our next doctor's appointment is the fifteenth. We're not having an ultrasound or anything, so it's just standard.
We are in week 25 now. I'm not sure how big she is and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I feel huge, though. After Cambria has graced us with her presence, I'm going to be on a weight loss mission. I don't like being this big and I'm only going to get bigger.
Cambria's dresser is full of clothes now. Because of this wonderful resource, Emma's Closet, we have been able to get more than enough clothing items for her. We have clothes that range from 0 mos. all the way to 12 mos. We have dresses, shoes, sleepers, creepers, nightgowns, onesies, and so on and so forth. We have been blessed to find Emma's Closet and my family has been buying blankets/clothes/baby gear throughout the months too. Cambria's crib is all set up with crib sheet(s), the mattress, a diaper organizer (overflowing with diapers and diapering needs), a sleep positioner, and blankets. One half of my bedroom has been converted into a nursery including a diaper genie, a wipe warmer, and many other baby items. As I lay in bed at night, I get to stare at the empty crib and imagine what it's going to be like when she's in there. I still need to get bumper pads and dust ruffles for the crib.
Speaking of all this baby gear... we're having a second baby shower on July 14th. I know a lot of you already went to the Canton one, so of course you don't have to come to this one, but if you didn't make it to Canton, I would love to see you on the 14th! As far as we know, it will be held here at our house or (if for some reason we can't) at my parent's church here in Rittman. I don't have a time for the shower yet, but getting the date was hassel enough. I will update my registry soon, but we are registered at Target and Babies 'R Us. Our nursery theme is still frogs/Kermit. If you can find Kermit items, you get major bonus points. At any rate, if you want to come to the July 14th shower, give me your address so we can send you an invitation ASAP. You can email me at putmeonstage@gmail.com. I will post all the information on this website when we figure out an exact location and time. There won't be any RSVP'ing so if you just want to show up without an invitation, be my guest! I love all the support that comes from having a shower. The more the merrier!
Cody's leaving for a visit to Texas soon and I hope to get a lot of stuff done on the downstairs portion of our house (where we live). I will miss him, but he knows the rules of visiting Texas, so I'm not worried. I'm sure Cambria will miss him cuddling her to sleep at night after I've drifted off. We'll survive though.
My feet are swelling, so I need to go put them up and cool off! I hope to be seeing some of you very soon!
-Alicia
We are in week 25 now. I'm not sure how big she is and I don't know how much weight I've gained. I feel huge, though. After Cambria has graced us with her presence, I'm going to be on a weight loss mission. I don't like being this big and I'm only going to get bigger.
Cambria's dresser is full of clothes now. Because of this wonderful resource, Emma's Closet, we have been able to get more than enough clothing items for her. We have clothes that range from 0 mos. all the way to 12 mos. We have dresses, shoes, sleepers, creepers, nightgowns, onesies, and so on and so forth. We have been blessed to find Emma's Closet and my family has been buying blankets/clothes/baby gear throughout the months too. Cambria's crib is all set up with crib sheet(s), the mattress, a diaper organizer (overflowing with diapers and diapering needs), a sleep positioner, and blankets. One half of my bedroom has been converted into a nursery including a diaper genie, a wipe warmer, and many other baby items. As I lay in bed at night, I get to stare at the empty crib and imagine what it's going to be like when she's in there. I still need to get bumper pads and dust ruffles for the crib.
Speaking of all this baby gear... we're having a second baby shower on July 14th. I know a lot of you already went to the Canton one, so of course you don't have to come to this one, but if you didn't make it to Canton, I would love to see you on the 14th! As far as we know, it will be held here at our house or (if for some reason we can't) at my parent's church here in Rittman. I don't have a time for the shower yet, but getting the date was hassel enough. I will update my registry soon, but we are registered at Target and Babies 'R Us. Our nursery theme is still frogs/Kermit. If you can find Kermit items, you get major bonus points. At any rate, if you want to come to the July 14th shower, give me your address so we can send you an invitation ASAP. You can email me at putmeonstage@gmail.com. I will post all the information on this website when we figure out an exact location and time. There won't be any RSVP'ing so if you just want to show up without an invitation, be my guest! I love all the support that comes from having a shower. The more the merrier!
Cody's leaving for a visit to Texas soon and I hope to get a lot of stuff done on the downstairs portion of our house (where we live). I will miss him, but he knows the rules of visiting Texas, so I'm not worried. I'm sure Cambria will miss him cuddling her to sleep at night after I've drifted off. We'll survive though.
My feet are swelling, so I need to go put them up and cool off! I hope to be seeing some of you very soon!
-Alicia
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I want to be her mommy
It's 3 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have bad heartburn and my sleep aid isn't helping any. I'm out of Tums. Cody is fast asleep and I can't crochet anymore tonight. So here I am.
Cambria is doing well, as far as I know. The 15th is our next doctor's appointment and I'll be taking the test to be sure that my body can handle sugar. She moves around a lot and Cody has been holding her as he falls asleep at night. He says that after I fall asleep and he's holding her (my belly), it feels like there's a party going on in there. If I'm sleeping, she's partying.
Veronica has been here since yesterday and she's been poking my belly and trying to feel Cambria kick. Today, in the car, she put her hand on my stomach and said, "I can feel her foot." I laughed and told her she probably could. She also informed me that if I listen to headphones (on my ears) that Cambria could hear it, too. I explained that Cambria has her own ears and could hear everything Veronica was saying and if I put headphones up to my stomach, Cambria could hear it. She thought that was rather fascinating. Veronica's friend, Paige (6 years old), was in the car with us and as we were all sitting there silently, Paige looked over at me and said, "Your baby's just in there enjoying the ride." I laughed and agreed- she's just enjoying the ride.
I'm getting eager to meet Cambria. I want to know what kind of hair she's going to have and what her giggles and her cries sound like. I want to know if she likes cheese. I want to watch her sleep. I want to watch her roll over onto her stomach for the first time. I want to see Cody rock her to sleep. I want to know what she smells like. I want to tell her I love her. That's all I want. It's not too much to ask for.
-Alicia
Cambria is doing well, as far as I know. The 15th is our next doctor's appointment and I'll be taking the test to be sure that my body can handle sugar. She moves around a lot and Cody has been holding her as he falls asleep at night. He says that after I fall asleep and he's holding her (my belly), it feels like there's a party going on in there. If I'm sleeping, she's partying.
Veronica has been here since yesterday and she's been poking my belly and trying to feel Cambria kick. Today, in the car, she put her hand on my stomach and said, "I can feel her foot." I laughed and told her she probably could. She also informed me that if I listen to headphones (on my ears) that Cambria could hear it, too. I explained that Cambria has her own ears and could hear everything Veronica was saying and if I put headphones up to my stomach, Cambria could hear it. She thought that was rather fascinating. Veronica's friend, Paige (6 years old), was in the car with us and as we were all sitting there silently, Paige looked over at me and said, "Your baby's just in there enjoying the ride." I laughed and agreed- she's just enjoying the ride.
I'm getting eager to meet Cambria. I want to know what kind of hair she's going to have and what her giggles and her cries sound like. I want to know if she likes cheese. I want to watch her sleep. I want to watch her roll over onto her stomach for the first time. I want to see Cody rock her to sleep. I want to know what she smells like. I want to tell her I love her. That's all I want. It's not too much to ask for.
-Alicia
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
West Side Story!
Cambria's going to her first musical tonight! Well, she doesn't have a choice, as she's still floating around in my tummy! We're going to the Carousel Dinner Theatre in Akron to see West Side Story- my favorite musical. We've been taking Parenting Classes at Pregnancy Solutions in Akron and one of the women who teaches class works at the Carousel and she got us free tickets! I'm sure Cambria's going to love it. Who wouldn't?!
I've been loading up on baby clothes like crazy. We literally had our crib filled with baby clothes the other day. I've been slowly cleaning them and getting them ready. I need to start getting 3-6 month+ because we have a lot of 0-3 month clothes. They're just so cute and little!
We got a free baby swing last night and aside from needing a good cleaning, it's in great condition. It's brown and it has 6 speeds and plays music. If she's anything like she is in the womb, she should like the movement of a swing. Some babies don't, though. So I'm glad we got it for free.
Speaking of money. Thanks, Trena, for the suggestion. I hope I can get low payments like that if I'm not approved for medicaid. I finally finished the application for medicaid today and I will mail it in maybe tonight or tomorrow. I'm just hoping and praying that we get approved!
That's all. I have to go to Akron now!
-Alicia
I've been loading up on baby clothes like crazy. We literally had our crib filled with baby clothes the other day. I've been slowly cleaning them and getting them ready. I need to start getting 3-6 month+ because we have a lot of 0-3 month clothes. They're just so cute and little!
We got a free baby swing last night and aside from needing a good cleaning, it's in great condition. It's brown and it has 6 speeds and plays music. If she's anything like she is in the womb, she should like the movement of a swing. Some babies don't, though. So I'm glad we got it for free.
Speaking of money. Thanks, Trena, for the suggestion. I hope I can get low payments like that if I'm not approved for medicaid. I finally finished the application for medicaid today and I will mail it in maybe tonight or tomorrow. I'm just hoping and praying that we get approved!
That's all. I have to go to Akron now!
-Alicia
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Bills, Bills, and... more bills... (but we love her so much)
The hospital bills are piling up and it's starting to frighten me. With the meager paycheck I get every two weeks, there's no way I can begin to pay even a tiny amount of these bills. My mom keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry about them because the important thing is that they will never take away my baby. That's wonderful and all, that they can't reposess our little girl, but it doesn't change the fact that we're driving ourselves into debt. Cody's job has cut his hours significantly and we don't see a chance for improvement in that area anytime soon. He needs to find a new job, but it isn't easy.
Whenever I talk about the financial troubles we're in, everyone just says, "Oh, it will be OK." or "When you see that little baby, it won't even matter anymore." But you can't just shrug these things off. Sure, when Cambria gets here, I'll be ecstatic, and it won't matter that anything in the world is tough, but after the newness wears off and I sit down with all our medical bills, it's still going to be the same problem.
We don't have medical insurance and I haven't applied for Medicaid yet. I don't know how to go about applying for it, really. I've filled out the online application before, but I haven't sent it in because I honestly don't know if I'm doing it right. I also need to have a good amount of random paperwork to send in with it and I can never seem to get that all together at the same time.
Everything, financially, is one step forward, two steps back. We've got a good amount of baby clothes and we've got a crib and a high chair, but now we're broke and we have a ton of bills to pay. My car isn't working, Cody's truck isn't reliable, and my clothes are slowly, but surely, getting tighter and tighter. These are all things we need. Even if I was getting an insane amount of hours at work, it wouldn't make a difference at minimum wage. However, nobody's going to hire a pregnant girl, so I can't go looking for a new job just yet.
I try not to dwell on it and I try to remember that God is going to take care of us, but it is in my nature to worry. I just get tired of everyone being optimistic and telling me everything's going to be OK when they know that it probably isn't. I hate it when people say "emergency rooms can't turn away a woman in labor". Doesn't every mother want to have the luxury of having a doctor she trusts deliver her baby? In a hospital where she feels comfortable and safe? I guess if you don't have money, you don't get any luxuries in life.
I appreciate everyone's well wishes and good intentions, but it doesn't change the fact that I have thousands of dollars in medical bills already and I'm only at 24 weeks.
Anyway... on a lighter note...
The last two days Cambria has woke me up with kicking! It has gotten so strong that it wakes me up! My elbow was resting on the side of my stomach while I was sleeping this morning and she was kicking me right in the elbow. So I say "all right, all right, I'm up." And she stops! Also, for the first time ever, I felt her kick on my right side instead of my left. She's always on my left side, but she decided to explore the right side. She's a very active little girl! I love her so much already- I dream about her while I'm sleeping, I talk about her, I imagine her with me everywhere I go. I want her to know she is loved and I want her to have the best things in life. It's all very typical for a mother to want those things for her child, but you can't understand how strong that desire is until you have a child of your own.
I will try to remember that instead of all the bills. Our beautiful little girl.
-Alicia
Whenever I talk about the financial troubles we're in, everyone just says, "Oh, it will be OK." or "When you see that little baby, it won't even matter anymore." But you can't just shrug these things off. Sure, when Cambria gets here, I'll be ecstatic, and it won't matter that anything in the world is tough, but after the newness wears off and I sit down with all our medical bills, it's still going to be the same problem.
We don't have medical insurance and I haven't applied for Medicaid yet. I don't know how to go about applying for it, really. I've filled out the online application before, but I haven't sent it in because I honestly don't know if I'm doing it right. I also need to have a good amount of random paperwork to send in with it and I can never seem to get that all together at the same time.
Everything, financially, is one step forward, two steps back. We've got a good amount of baby clothes and we've got a crib and a high chair, but now we're broke and we have a ton of bills to pay. My car isn't working, Cody's truck isn't reliable, and my clothes are slowly, but surely, getting tighter and tighter. These are all things we need. Even if I was getting an insane amount of hours at work, it wouldn't make a difference at minimum wage. However, nobody's going to hire a pregnant girl, so I can't go looking for a new job just yet.
I try not to dwell on it and I try to remember that God is going to take care of us, but it is in my nature to worry. I just get tired of everyone being optimistic and telling me everything's going to be OK when they know that it probably isn't. I hate it when people say "emergency rooms can't turn away a woman in labor". Doesn't every mother want to have the luxury of having a doctor she trusts deliver her baby? In a hospital where she feels comfortable and safe? I guess if you don't have money, you don't get any luxuries in life.
I appreciate everyone's well wishes and good intentions, but it doesn't change the fact that I have thousands of dollars in medical bills already and I'm only at 24 weeks.
Anyway... on a lighter note...
The last two days Cambria has woke me up with kicking! It has gotten so strong that it wakes me up! My elbow was resting on the side of my stomach while I was sleeping this morning and she was kicking me right in the elbow. So I say "all right, all right, I'm up." And she stops! Also, for the first time ever, I felt her kick on my right side instead of my left. She's always on my left side, but she decided to explore the right side. She's a very active little girl! I love her so much already- I dream about her while I'm sleeping, I talk about her, I imagine her with me everywhere I go. I want her to know she is loved and I want her to have the best things in life. It's all very typical for a mother to want those things for her child, but you can't understand how strong that desire is until you have a child of your own.
I will try to remember that instead of all the bills. Our beautiful little girl.
-Alicia
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
