I hate you, blogger! Technical difficulties.

Graco Swing

Cambria has fallen asleep in her swing. I'm so surprised that she's even sleeping at all since she slept through the night last night. I really don't like this swing though. We got it for free at our parenting classes in Akron and it has a self timer so it goes off whenever it pleases. So I have to sit here and keep restarting it. I don't know why it does this or how to stop it from doing that. I tried to post a video last night but it was taking so long to load. I'll have to try again later.

Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas

Cambria fussed for about two hours just now and I was losing my mind. I breastfed her and she fought me the whole time so I finally just gave her breastmilk in a bottle and she gobbled it up. After that, she spit up at least 75% of it and began fussing again. I bounced her, sang to her, rocked her, changed her diaper, and she just fussed away. Finally, she drifted to sleep on my shoulder and when I repositioned her into a cradle hold, she woke up and started crying. In my frustration, I laid her on the couch and walked away. Within moments after laying her on the couch, she was asleep! Quite opposite from what we usually do- she cries until I pick her up. Now she cried until I put her down.

Christmas is upon us! There are so many things I want to get Cambria, but I keep telling myself that she won't know the difference between one gift and two hundred gifts so I shouldn't stress. I have, however, discovered that Children's Place is a great store! I always assumed they were expensive because they were in the mall, but I was really impressed with their prices. I went in for their after Thanksgiving sales (I was working at the mall anyway) and I got two sleepers, a hat, and a fleece outfit for Christmas. At that moment I realized how much I love Christmas shopping for my baby girl!

Among other gifts Cody and I have bought for her, we purchased a water resistant photo album that holds six photos. We plan on putting pictures of Cody's family in it so that she can familiarize herself with their faces right away. She loves looking at faces and expressions, so I think this will be great for her. I could easily go nuts with Christmas shopping.

Some things I really want to get her for Christmas include long sleeve onesies, clothes, books, a bumbo (I know they were recalled), extra bottle nipples, a big box of size 2 diapers, and some toys. I know my mom and Cody's mom will also be getting her gifts, so I'm not worried about quantity, I just want to be able to feel like her parents bought her things she will enjoy in the future.

She has recently noticed the TV and she is entranced with it. This frightens me a little, but it is kind of helpful in calming her down sometimes. The other morning she watched Sesame Street with my mom and she was smiling and cooing at Elmo. Not to mention, I was laughing hysterically at Alicia Keys dancing and singing in slow motion with Elmo. I am going to plop her down with Baby Einstein ASAP!

Thanksgiving was fun and it was great to see Cody's family again. Cambria enjoyed the company and the food was fabulous :-) Speaking of food... I'm hungry. I will post pictures later.

-Alicia

The fits continue... my depression looms over me

Some times I don't think I have a choice. If I don't lay her down and separate myself from her for a moment during a huge fit, I might lose my mind. I can't let her cry for longer than a few minutes at a time, but there are times when I just can't handle it. You cannot understand the weight of a screaming baby unless you've experienced it. Add in a ton of exhaustion, a dash of postpartum depression, a dollop of irritation with those who are trying to help and you have a whole new experience on your hands. I am not trying to say that people aren't understanding, I'm just saying that I know I never truly understood the frustration until I experienced it with my own child. Then, to make things worse, I usually feel like the fit is my fault because she has a tummy ache from something I ate or how I fed her.

Something I have learned as a mother is that I will never, ever sleep the way I used to again. Not as deep, not as long, and not as peacefully. Every move she makes, I'm awake with concern. If she's throwing a fit and someone else has her, I cannot just lay there and will myself back to sleep. Winding down after a long day of caring for her seems impossible and I lay there stressing about when the next fit will be. Most times going to sleep seems pointless because I know it will only be a matter of time before I'm up again.

Breastfeeding is going well for now. We've both become so comfortable with it that I often fall asleep while she's eating and eventually she does, too. Even if she has an occasional bad latch, the pain isn't too unbearable and it can be easily fixed. I will say that in the beginning I wanted nothing more than to quit, but now that we stuck with it, I'm happy. We supplement with formula when I can't find the time to pump, but for the most part it's all breast milk. My only frustrations now are the stomach aches I seem to give her and how often she spits up when she has breast milk. Needless to say her screaming can be very discouraging. But the cost of formula is very encouraging!

I lost quite a bit of weight when she was first born. Now I have plateaued and my weight won't go down. I still can't fit into my favorite pre- pregnancy jeans and I'm beginning to think that my body shape has just changed so much that I might not be able to fit into them again. Mostly I just avoid looking in the mirror and I suck it in as much as I can throughout the day. *sigh*

Thanksgiving is coming and Cody's family is coming in from Texas. We're excited to see them all and I'm excited to not have to work and not have to worry about being called in! Enjoy your holidays, everyone!

-Alicia

Cry it out?

I need opinions! Do you let a newborn cry it out? There are times when Cambria has been fed, swaddled, kissed, bounced, held, and given her acid reflux medicine and she still screams and screams. Do I lay her down and let her cry or is she still too young for that? They say you can't spoil a baby, but can I enable her to not learn how to self- soothe? I think self- soothing is an important skill to learn for the future, but is it too soon? She doesn't even have a concept of what she's doing or that she's driving us nuts. And how long do you let her cry? Cry it out or not?

Cousins!

Xander & Cambria.

Look at that hair!:

No more chili!!!!

Oh, dear God, help me! I swear I will not eat chili while breastfeeding again if you just make her stop screaming. Breastfeeding is a process of trial and error and tonight I tried and I erred. I know now that I cannot eat chili and expect the Zantac to take care of the acid reflux. No amount of Mylicon is going to heal her aching tummy.

I ate chili for dinner around 5PM and I breastfed her right after. Ryan and Lydia brought Xander home, so we went over to visit and I said, "I'm so surprised she's not fussing from the chili I ate!" Apparently I spoke too soon. I fed her in Xander's nursery and brought her home and she napped for about 5- 10 minutes and woke up screaming. These screams were not the average Cambria scream. I changed her diaper and tried to feed her and she wailed and wailed as I tried to stuff her on. The screaming got more intense as I tried to calm her down. She let out an earth- shattering burp and I breathed a sigh of relief thinking the worst was over. To my dismay it had just begun. The tantrum, burping, and flatulence continued for about an hour. Finally as she began to calm down, my mom came to take her from me and as soon as Cambria left my arms she relaxed and quit crying.

It is extremely frustrating not to be able to soothe your screaming child, but it is even more frustrating and hurtful when someone else can do the job while you can't. I realize that she can sense my frustration and that it has a tendency to keep her from calming down, but I tried my absolute best to stay calm this time. I didn't cry, shout, leave her alone, or tense up. When someone else can care for your child in a way that you can't, the disappointment and frustration is unlike any other. The irrational part of my brain began to believe that I was a bad mother and that she "deserves" something better than me. I felt a battle in my brain - the good vs. the evil. The good was telling me not to beat myself up and that she adores me. The evil was saying that I was inadequate and ignorant. My mind wears itself out.

So my mom has her now and Cambria is peaceful and relaxed. This happens a lot. I resent everyone who can calm her down when I can't. In fact, I resent the whole world around me when I feel like a failure. My parents, my husband, every sleeping baby in the world... I resent them all. I almost feel a sense of pleasure when I hear her crying when she's with someone else. Becoming a mother brings about all these demons to the surface that you never even knew you had. I love her, but I struggle with loving anyone else including myself now.

Anyway. No more chili. I'm afraid to feed her again since I ate so much of it. Eating is a gamble lately. I can't have salad or chili and I try to avoid spicy foods. You may think that a gassy baby isn't anything to make such a big deal about, but trust me, you haven't heard the agonizing screams of a baby in pain.

-Alicia

Sleeping again and Baby Xander

Again, she is napping in my bed all by herself. She threw a pretty big fit for about 30 minutes and after I fed her she conked out. Last night she slept in bed with us and we breastfed a few times during the night.

Cody, Cambria, and I went to the hospital last night and I got to hold Xander for the first time. He slept the whole time I held him and he made the cutest sleep noises I've ever heard. Every exhale came with a little squeak. He would make such loud squeaks while he was sleeping, it was hilarious! Cambria also slept through the whole visit and we just sat and visited with Ryan and Lydia. We watched the video that I recorded during her labor and it was so funny we had to turn it off because Lydia said it hurt too bad to laugh so hard. There were a couple times when the camera would be pointed at the wall and you would hear Ryan say, "Alicia... you're recording." and then I would say, "No, I'm not." And then it would cut to the next scene. Haha. Unlike Cambria, Xander does not like to be bounced or rocked when he is sleeping. I was holding him and, out of habit, I was bouncing and he started to wake up a little so I stood still and he went back to squeak- sleeping happily.

So tonight Cody's going to Cleveland Heights with a friend and I'm going to be at home with Cambria. I miss my freedom. But mostly I miss having a car for myself. I'm tired, I might go lay down.

sleepytime

In an attempt to begin the end of co-sleeping I have decided to, as often as possible, lay Cambria down for her naps instead of holding her while she sleeps. If someone is sleeping, they can hold her, but if she's just napping, she can sleep alone. Right now she is sleeping downstairs and I am upstairs. It is so odd not to be holding her I don't know what to do with myself. Even Kemah is sniffing around for her because she knows that when I'm up here Cambria is usually with me. I'm going to attempt to eat while she sleeps!

-Alicia

Baby Xander, Thrush, and Acid Reflux

Otis Alexander Hatton was born yesterday in Wadsworth weighing 8 lbs. and 20 inches long! His head was 37cm just like Cambria's! Lydia had a long, painful labor, but she handled it like a pro and I was so pleased just to be a part of it. After about 28 hours after her induction and after countless efforts to get Xander out naturally, the doctor had to resort to c-section. Lydia was so exhausted and feeling her pain that she didn't care at that point. Tonight after work I'm going to go and hold him for the first time! He's so handsome!

On a less exciting note, maybe it's paranoia, but I think maybe the thrush is back. I don't know for sure though. It may just be that she's having a difficult time latching on. We've been going back and forth between bottles and breastfeeding like crazy and I don't blame her for the confusion. The truth of the matter is, though, she's going to have to get used to it and figure it out because it's what we have to do!

As you already know, we have been co-sleeping since we brought her home from the hospital. The last two nights we've laid down to go to bed and she's slept in my arms. When she would wake up in the middle of the night for a feeding, I would feed her without even getting up. She's actually doing a good job finding the source of the milk without much help from me! So she will latch on, eat, and fall asleep- it's lovely. I know co-sleeping has a lot of faults, but that is a HUGE bonus. I know if we put her in the crib, she won't sleep as long. I need, need, need to get her to sleep in the crib though. I don't want to co-sleep much longer.

Cambria has acid- reflux and she's been taking Zantac twice a day for awhile now. We've also had to put rice in her bottles (when she's not breastfeeding) so that she will keep it down. Some times she gets such awful tummy aches she screams and screams and I just want to cry because I feel so helpless. We give her Mylicon and it helps sometimes, but not always. She wears herself out with her tummy aches. She had been spitting up every single meal she was eating, so she wasn't gaining enough weight. We went back to the pediatrician yesterday and she said Cambria was gaining an ounce a day (she needs at least 1/2 an ounce a day) and we were doing good. However, this morning I breastfed her and she spit all of it up and threw a fit. Poor baby! Poor parents!

Yesterday at the hospital while we were waiting for Xander, Ryan asked me to video tape the birth and of course I was happy to do it! Turned out that the doctor wouldn't allow it and then the c-section came anyway. But while I was in the room with them my dad kept Cambria. All the nurses were so impressed with Grandpa! Cambria seems to love my dad more than me somedays! She likes his deep voice.

At one point we took her in the waiting room and there were these toy dogs called "Canine Crooners" and my dad pushed the button so it played and Cambria smiled and starred at it! I've never seen her respond to any toy or anything other than a face! Later we played it for her again and she reached out for it and smiled! The nurses were all amazed at how responsive and alert she was. One nurse said I must be giving her a lot of facial contact because she rarely ever sees a 6- week old baby that stares at a face so intently and for so long. Needless to say I was pretty pleased with my little jellybean.

We still have yet to survive a doctor's appointment without Cambria peeing all over the exam table. Every. Time.

Watching Lydia go through her labor just made me appreciate where I'm at now. She's going into "hell week" with recovery and it's going to be a rough journey. Everyone says to enjoy the moment you're in and not to look too forward to the future because you might miss something, but it's difficult to do that! There are days when I just can't wait until she can hold her own pacifier (by the way, Soothie- we LOVE you!), give us better cues to what she needs, and go to sleep more easily. I know all those things are awhile away, but someday I really look forward to it.

I have to go to work! Ahhh!

Pictures

Kiddie Kandids photos!

Photo by Tammy.

Photo by Ava


Photo by Tammy


Photo by Tammy

Photo by Tammy

Photo by Tammy

Quick like a bunny

The jellybean is sleeping, so I'm going to type quick like a bunny. I'm making pizza rolls because there's no more food in the house!

I started my new job at Kiddie Kandids in Akron on Monday and I really like it. I am not a photographer right now, but I get to do a bunch of fun creations for people. Leaving Cambria has been somewhat difficult, but I actually enjoy getting away every once in awhile. Everyone says that going back to work is supposedly very difficult and sad, but I have really enjoyed getting away. I love coming home to her, but I get overwhelmed being with her nonstop.

Tomorrow we are going into work to get her pictures taken for Christmas and her birth announcements. I won't be buying any pictures tomorrow, but eventually I'll be getting fun stuff with my discount. I don't get paid until after Thanksgiving so that's crappy.

While I'm at work Cambria eats from a bottle, but we are still primarily breastfeeding. I get engorged while I'm at work, but I try to pump on my breaks or feed her as soon as I walk in the door. Right now I should be pumping, but I have no desire to do it.

Let me know when you're coming in, Katie, and I'll see if I'm working! I looked at your older pictures and they were so cute :-)

I'm off to eat pizza rolls and pump. Cody won't be home for another two hours. Siiiigh. But we're both off tomorrow so it will be a fun little family day!

-Alicia

Photos

Froggy bathrobe:

Jeans & onesie kinda girl:

See the resemblance?

Daddy's girl:

What mommy gets to deal with:


Her new fixation. Works every time:

I went back to work today at a new job. I work at Kiddie Kandids at Summit mall now! I will update more later!

One handed

Baby slings are outrageously expensive! I got one for a baby gift during my pregnancy, but I didn't realize that it was a size small and I threw away the packaging and I can't return it. I tried using the carrier I have and she doesn't like having her legs dangling like that. I can't ever put her down for even a minute because she's very clingy. I love that about her, but I can't get anything done! I thought a sling would solve the problem, but they are so expensive! There are some cute and creative slings on ebay, but the ones I like are all between $35- $50 and I am too cheap for that! I guess she will have to learn to self soothe at a young age because I can't carry her all day. By the way, this is all typed with one hand.

We've been taking baths together at night lately and I find it soothing. She seems to like it for a little while but eventually throws a fit. Last night she got a bottle (yes, I'm regularly supplementing now) while wearing her froggy bath robe. I will post pictures when I have more time!

Halloween!