Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The fits continue... my depression looms over me

Some times I don't think I have a choice. If I don't lay her down and separate myself from her for a moment during a huge fit, I might lose my mind. I can't let her cry for longer than a few minutes at a time, but there are times when I just can't handle it. You cannot understand the weight of a screaming baby unless you've experienced it. Add in a ton of exhaustion, a dash of postpartum depression, a dollop of irritation with those who are trying to help and you have a whole new experience on your hands. I am not trying to say that people aren't understanding, I'm just saying that I know I never truly understood the frustration until I experienced it with my own child. Then, to make things worse, I usually feel like the fit is my fault because she has a tummy ache from something I ate or how I fed her.

Something I have learned as a mother is that I will never, ever sleep the way I used to again. Not as deep, not as long, and not as peacefully. Every move she makes, I'm awake with concern. If she's throwing a fit and someone else has her, I cannot just lay there and will myself back to sleep. Winding down after a long day of caring for her seems impossible and I lay there stressing about when the next fit will be. Most times going to sleep seems pointless because I know it will only be a matter of time before I'm up again.

Breastfeeding is going well for now. We've both become so comfortable with it that I often fall asleep while she's eating and eventually she does, too. Even if she has an occasional bad latch, the pain isn't too unbearable and it can be easily fixed. I will say that in the beginning I wanted nothing more than to quit, but now that we stuck with it, I'm happy. We supplement with formula when I can't find the time to pump, but for the most part it's all breast milk. My only frustrations now are the stomach aches I seem to give her and how often she spits up when she has breast milk. Needless to say her screaming can be very discouraging. But the cost of formula is very encouraging!

I lost quite a bit of weight when she was first born. Now I have plateaued and my weight won't go down. I still can't fit into my favorite pre- pregnancy jeans and I'm beginning to think that my body shape has just changed so much that I might not be able to fit into them again. Mostly I just avoid looking in the mirror and I suck it in as much as I can throughout the day. *sigh*

Thanksgiving is coming and Cody's family is coming in from Texas. We're excited to see them all and I'm excited to not have to work and not have to worry about being called in! Enjoy your holidays, everyone!


1 comment:

Katie D-Dot said...

Hearing a baby cry with a tummy ache is the worst! Have you tried eliminating certain foods from your diet? One mom told me she could never eat any tomato-based food without upsetting her baby, another said chocolate, and when I stopped eating dairy Eirelyn was a happy camper. I had to be super careful though, even a piece of bread whose last ingredient was whey could cause her to throw a fit. My dairy-free diet was also how I lost a bunch of weight, but then she grew to be tolerant of it and I started eating dairy again and gained the weight back!
Congrats on sticking with the breastfeeding! I'm sure Cambria thanks you! :)