Monday, June 18, 2007

Living at home

I've been plagued with worries about living at home with Cambria lately. I would give almost anything to be able to take my new baby home to my own place. I know I will need my mother's help and I will appreciate all the help I can get, but I'm afraid that I won't feel like she's mine. I'll bring her home and everyone will know her sleep schedule, her personality traits, and everything about her just as quickly as I do. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents so much and I am so grateful for everything they do for me/us.

My sister raised Veronica living at home with my parents and my mom became "mom- mom" to Veronica. I love my mother, but I don't want her to be a second mom to my baby. I want to know her sleep schedule, her favorite foods, her likes and dislikes, and I want to be the first to know them. I know it takes a village to raise a child, but... I'd like to, at least, be the mayor of that village. I'm just afraid that she will never feel like she belongs to me as long as I have my parents to lean on and use.

Grandparents are for spoiling and playing, not living with and disciplining. If I say that I don't want Cambria to have any candy that day (for example), I don't want her to live with people who can turn around and give it to her because they're the "grandparents" and that's what grandparents do. I'm not saying that I think my parents would go behind my back or challenge my disciplining methods or anything, but they will be apt to spoil their grand kids, as they should. I don't want to feel like every move I make is being judged and shared with the rest of the family (aunts and uncles). If I choose to put Cambria in "time out" for five minutes and my parents think it's a little harsh, I don't really want to hear it. Maybe I'm sounding mean, but I'm really worried about it.

Even as a newborn baby, I will want to spend alone- time with my own little family as much as possible without distractions. But I know the effect a cute baby can have and it will be impossible for our family members to give us privacy I fear. Some people don't mind sharing their children with other people, but I do. All I've ever wanted in life is to have my own family and now that I am having one, I want it to be my own and not anyone else's.

I know I'm being paranoid and a little stuck- up, but it's just something that's been on my mind lately. When the time comes, I know I'll be so grateful to have my parents there to watch Cambria while I take a quick nap or a shower. I will love Cambria so much and adore every little thing that she does and I know I'll want to share that with everyone else, but right now I feel trapped by our situation and I feel like we're going to be stuck here forever. I'm thinking that she'll be turning three and I'll still be living with my parent's in Rittman. God, no, please.

I want my parents to have the experience of being grandparents with Cambria. With Veronica, they never really had that. With Ryan and Lydia's baby, they'll be able to be grandparents and s/he won't be living with them. But Cambria will be here, living with them.

There are so many things I want for my child/ren and some times I feel like it's unattainable. I had a very poor childhood and I was well aware of it. I don't want my child/ren to feel the pressures of poverty. The least I could do is offer her a bedroom of her own and I can't even do that. I want to be her number one, one and only mommy.

Just to reiterate and clarify, I don't fear that my parents are going to behave like "second parents" to Cambria and I don't feel like they wouldn't give us privacy. I don't have anything against my parents and I am very grateful for everything they are doing for us. I think these are natural worries/feelings and I don't think they would disagree with me. I love them very much and I wish I could give them the opportunity to be grandparents who spoil and not grandparents who co-raise. I just want my own life with my own family and the idea of that not happening for awhile just makes me want to give up right now. But... I don't have that option anymore. I wish I could provide more for her.


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