The hospital bills are piling up and it's starting to frighten me. With the meager paycheck I get every two weeks, there's no way I can begin to pay even a tiny amount of these bills. My mom keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry about them because the important thing is that they will never take away my baby. That's wonderful and all, that they can't reposess our little girl, but it doesn't change the fact that we're driving ourselves into debt. Cody's job has cut his hours significantly and we don't see a chance for improvement in that area anytime soon. He needs to find a new job, but it isn't easy.
Whenever I talk about the financial troubles we're in, everyone just says, "Oh, it will be OK." or "When you see that little baby, it won't even matter anymore." But you can't just shrug these things off. Sure, when Cambria gets here, I'll be ecstatic, and it won't matter that anything in the world is tough, but after the newness wears off and I sit down with all our medical bills, it's still going to be the same problem.
We don't have medical insurance and I haven't applied for Medicaid yet. I don't know how to go about applying for it, really. I've filled out the online application before, but I haven't sent it in because I honestly don't know if I'm doing it right. I also need to have a good amount of random paperwork to send in with it and I can never seem to get that all together at the same time.
Everything, financially, is one step forward, two steps back. We've got a good amount of baby clothes and we've got a crib and a high chair, but now we're broke and we have a ton of bills to pay. My car isn't working, Cody's truck isn't reliable, and my clothes are slowly, but surely, getting tighter and tighter. These are all things we need. Even if I was getting an insane amount of hours at work, it wouldn't make a difference at minimum wage. However, nobody's going to hire a pregnant girl, so I can't go looking for a new job just yet.
I try not to dwell on it and I try to remember that God is going to take care of us, but it is in my nature to worry. I just get tired of everyone being optimistic and telling me everything's going to be OK when they know that it probably isn't. I hate it when people say "emergency rooms can't turn away a woman in labor". Doesn't every mother want to have the luxury of having a doctor she trusts deliver her baby? In a hospital where she feels comfortable and safe? I guess if you don't have money, you don't get any luxuries in life.
I appreciate everyone's well wishes and good intentions, but it doesn't change the fact that I have thousands of dollars in medical bills already and I'm only at 24 weeks.
Anyway... on a lighter note...
The last two days Cambria has woke me up with kicking! It has gotten so strong that it wakes me up! My elbow was resting on the side of my stomach while I was sleeping this morning and she was kicking me right in the elbow. So I say "all right, all right, I'm up." And she stops! Also, for the first time ever, I felt her kick on my right side instead of my left. She's always on my left side, but she decided to explore the right side. She's a very active little girl! I love her so much already- I dream about her while I'm sleeping, I talk about her, I imagine her with me everywhere I go. I want her to know she is loved and I want her to have the best things in life. It's all very typical for a mother to want those things for her child, but you can't understand how strong that desire is until you have a child of your own.
I will try to remember that instead of all the bills. Our beautiful little girl.