Breastfeeding

Trena, sorry I didn't reply to your message sooner. I think I will go to Target and check that thing out because it's very possible that she would love it! Thank you so much for the offer!!

And no, Katie, I never got a picture of her sleeping in the laundry basket haha. I should have! I have a feeling, though, that that wasn't the last time that will happen.

Now. Breastfeeding. Let me tell you a few things about breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding: I hate it. Every time she cries or gets grumpy, I get a sick feeling in my stomach because I know it won't be long until I have to feed her. The pain is unbearable for me right now. When she latches on and begins to eat I hold my breath, tense up, and moan in pain. Some times it hurts so bad I cry, especially if I'm tired. But I'm trying really, really hard. I use the lansinoh and now I have these little relief plastic things that I put in the refrigerator for awhile. Taking a shower is the worst! I can't face the water at all! I hate it so much.

I've tried to find a lactation consultant and apparently the only one in Wayne County has broken her leg and isn't taking any consultations right now. Coincidentally the consultant works for WIC and for my pediatrician, so I have no one to help me!

I explained to the pediatrician that I'm in a lot of pain when she's eating and she checked Cambria for thrush (basically a yeast infection in the mouth) and, of course, she has thrush. This has to be treated but can take up to two weeks to clear up. If one of us is treated and the other one isn't then we will just keep passing it back and forth to each other. So I have to go to my OBGYN tomorrow so she can give me the medication I need and we can begin the healing process. The pediatrician said that once it's healed up then Cambria should be able to latch on better and the pain should lessen. If it doesn't get better in a week then she'll find me a lactation consultant. So my theory is that it's going to get worse before it can get better.

I feel like breastfeeding is ruining my relationship with Cambria. She bites down, she pulls, she sucks very hard, and I feel resentment toward her as if she knows what she's doing. When I can tell that she hasn't latched on very well I get so frustrated. Every time she needs me to feed her I feel angry. I want to enjoy this bonding experience and the closeness, but I can't when it hurts this bad. If I don't feed her, though, I get engorged and that is just as painful as feeding! Engorgement is very painful. If your breasts could run a marathon and feel sore afterward that's what engorgement feels like.

Everyone talks about this "letdown reflex". I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but I don't think I feel it. I know I'm leaking because my nursing pads are soaked when I take them out. There are times when I feel a shooting pain through them, but I don't know if that's the "letdown" I hear about.

One day when she was eating, she came off the breast with a jump and spewed TONS of milk all over everything. The boppy pillow, my shirt, her onesie, the couch, was all completely soaked. She definitely puked up every thing she had eaten! I have never seen anything like that in my life- it just projectiled out of her mouth and drenched us. Surprisingly, she wasn't bothered by this and, in fact, smiled after it was all out. It looked like someone poured a glass of milk out of her mouth. Or like her mouth was a faucet for milk. It was shocking.

So I hate breastfeeding. Today I was thinking "Oh, she's almost three weeks old, soon there will only be five months left of breastfeeding!" I committed to, during my pregnancy, breastfeeding for six months. After that, we are done with it! Unless it gets ten times better and I start to somehow enjoy it I will not make it past six months. I know if I gave up I would be extremely disappointed in myself so I'm fighting it, but it is so tempting!

Speaking of breastfeeding, she's becoming inconsolable so I probably need to feed her again. I know she's fighting sleep. Ugggggh, I hate breastfeeding. I just want to sleep for more than three hours in a row!

-Alicia

PS. Her umbilical cord fell off a couple days ago! The pediatrician said it's healing nicely. I forgot to ask her if I could give her a normal bath now or if I still needed to avoid the area. There's some dried blood in her belly button, so I don't know. Maybe I'll call tomorrow.