Thursday, October 25, 2007

I Caved

Yes, I am a big failure. I not only gave her a bottle today, but it was formula. I also went against my better judgement and gave her a pacifier today. The pain was just too much. The thrush makes it feel like someone is putting flaming needles into my nipples and putting charlie horses in my breasts all at the same time. So we gave her some formula and she gulped it down. I felt guilty but relieved to have a break from the pain.

After she was done eating she was clearly tired, but she was fighting it. I threw all the pacifiers into a pot and boiled them while I bounced her around and sang to her. After dropping a freshly boiled pacifier on the floor, I put a clean one in her mouth and she almost instantly fell asleep. I didn't feel so guilty about the pacifier, but I do feel nervous that it will affect breastfeeding.

Today we started our treatments for thrush and it shouldn't be long until it isn't painful anymore. I did try calling the Akron General lactation people, but I got the answering machine and chose not to leave a message fifteen minutes before they close. I wanted to ask them if there's anything I can do to ease my pain until the thrush is gone. I don't feel like a six- month commitment is very admirable (but thanks!) and all those moms who do it for the whole year... those women are admirable.

I'm going to try to not beat myself up too much for giving her a bottle. The next time she's hungry I'll maybe try breastfeeding again. I already feel guilty about enough things as it is. For example, I don't know why we bothered buying a crib... she sleeps with me every night. Ahhhh, I'm such a bad mommy!


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