Thursday, September 27, 2007

Anger, frustration, and more anger

I am losing it. I can't take it. Get this baby out of me! At this point, today, I don't ever want to have another baby again. I know I will change my mind later, but right now, I'm done with it. I feel angry, bitter, resentful, and mad at the world. Everyone is driving me nuts. The only person I can stand to be around is Cody and he's been working so much (which is a good thing) that I feel like I barely get to see him.

I can't get anything done around the house because I am completely miserable and frustrated. Just the thought of starting a load of laundry makes me feel homicidal. I don't want to do anything except eat, sleep, and cry.

Part of me is so excited to meet Cambria that I just can't wait. But the other part of me is not looking forward to it because I know it's going to be a chaotic, stressful time. We will have countless visitors and tons of phone calls to make and answer. We will be sleep deprived and miserable at first. I will be dealing with breastfeeding, recovering, caring for a new baby, and juggling visitors all at the same time. Her coming late has everyone so excited and eager to meet her that it seems like people just can't take the anticipation. Nobody knows how much I want her here and how miserable I am waiting. I will never have a quiet moment for the rest of my life. Heck, if I ever even get a moment alone with my baby within the first few months of her life it will be a miracle.

It's not cute or fun anymore. It's not tolerable or manageable. People who mean well only upset me. People who are insensitive upset me. Nobody can win. Imagine having an eight pound baby kick you in the ribs so hard it takes your breath away then you get people smiling and saying "not much longer!" You, too, would be tempted to harm someone.

I called the doctor today and they said they have no intentions of moving the induction date up at all. If I have to have a c-section because she's too big, I will be one of the most unhappy people you have ever met. I will not have another baby until I have good health insurance that will afford me a good personal doctor. Yet another reason I love my country- great health care for the underprivileged!

I love my husband, but he told me today that he didn't feel good. I wanted to scream and kick and throw a fit. Nobody is allowed to be miserable except for me. I'm reserving the right to be irrational, rude, mean, hormonal, and emotional. Everyone around me can just deal with it.


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