Thursday, February 22, 2007

Overwhelmed and frustrated

Well, Katie, I tried milk of magnesia and all it did for me was produce a result quite the opposite of constipation and that was UNATTRACTIVE. I really just want a happy medium.

My dorm- mates may remember that I used to be quite a regular girl (we had a contest- I won). Now, I'm lucky to have one a day. And if I do, it's extremely painful. Sometimes I choose not to have a BM just because I don't have the energy to do it.

Yesterday I cried a lot about the wedding and as I cried, it turned into crying about the baby. I expressed to my mother that I had a poor childhood and I didn't want that for my own children. She said "God will take care of you and your baby" and I stomped my foot like a little kid and said, "But I want to take care of it!" I just really feel like my baby will never have all the things it needs and especially nothing it wants as it gets older. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but right now, I don't see anything positive other than the fact that I know I have enough love for the baby. But love doesn't buy a stroller or a crib or pay for an education. Everything is just so overwhelming (wedding, lack of money, pregnancy, family issues, etc.) that I'd rather just sleep and not deal with it. So that's what I've been doing. But that's just as exhausting. This is, by far, the most frustrating time in my life and I need to keep a low level of stress.

It seems to be helping that I take my vitamins at night now instead of in the morning. I've been coming closer and closer to throwing up in the mornings, but I haven't yet. We'll see if it lasts. Hopefully by Tuesday, I'll have filed for medicaid.

My clothes still fit and this past week with my illness, I lost a couple pounds. Don't worry though, I'll probably overcompensate this next week.

I'm tired and my dascshund wants to cuddle so I'm going to lie down and maybe read some Narnia.


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