No more chili!!!!

Oh, dear God, help me! I swear I will not eat chili while breastfeeding again if you just make her stop screaming. Breastfeeding is a process of trial and error and tonight I tried and I erred. I know now that I cannot eat chili and expect the Zantac to take care of the acid reflux. No amount of Mylicon is going to heal her aching tummy.

I ate chili for dinner around 5PM and I breastfed her right after. Ryan and Lydia brought Xander home, so we went over to visit and I said, "I'm so surprised she's not fussing from the chili I ate!" Apparently I spoke too soon. I fed her in Xander's nursery and brought her home and she napped for about 5- 10 minutes and woke up screaming. These screams were not the average Cambria scream. I changed her diaper and tried to feed her and she wailed and wailed as I tried to stuff her on. The screaming got more intense as I tried to calm her down. She let out an earth- shattering burp and I breathed a sigh of relief thinking the worst was over. To my dismay it had just begun. The tantrum, burping, and flatulence continued for about an hour. Finally as she began to calm down, my mom came to take her from me and as soon as Cambria left my arms she relaxed and quit crying.

It is extremely frustrating not to be able to soothe your screaming child, but it is even more frustrating and hurtful when someone else can do the job while you can't. I realize that she can sense my frustration and that it has a tendency to keep her from calming down, but I tried my absolute best to stay calm this time. I didn't cry, shout, leave her alone, or tense up. When someone else can care for your child in a way that you can't, the disappointment and frustration is unlike any other. The irrational part of my brain began to believe that I was a bad mother and that she "deserves" something better than me. I felt a battle in my brain - the good vs. the evil. The good was telling me not to beat myself up and that she adores me. The evil was saying that I was inadequate and ignorant. My mind wears itself out.

So my mom has her now and Cambria is peaceful and relaxed. This happens a lot. I resent everyone who can calm her down when I can't. In fact, I resent the whole world around me when I feel like a failure. My parents, my husband, every sleeping baby in the world... I resent them all. I almost feel a sense of pleasure when I hear her crying when she's with someone else. Becoming a mother brings about all these demons to the surface that you never even knew you had. I love her, but I struggle with loving anyone else including myself now.

Anyway. No more chili. I'm afraid to feed her again since I ate so much of it. Eating is a gamble lately. I can't have salad or chili and I try to avoid spicy foods. You may think that a gassy baby isn't anything to make such a big deal about, but trust me, you haven't heard the agonizing screams of a baby in pain.

-Alicia