Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Woe is me

I am truly exhausted and I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I really can't do this anymore. I still have five weeks left and I feel like everyday I'm just waiting to see if she's coming. I have a feeling that she's going to come late and just feeling that way makes me want to cry. I don't want to be like this anymore. I've gotten to the point where I think I don't ever want to have another baby again. I've tried to stay positive, but it's too overwhelming now.

I am sleep deprived and emotional. I am sweaty and irritable. I am hungry all the time and I cannot find comfort. I try to laugh it all off and tell everyone that I'm just waiting, but I don't want to laugh anymore, I want to cry. I find myself getting angry at Cambria and then I get angry at myself for feeling that way. She kicks me so hard in the ribs some times that I honestly wonder if she's going to crack them and it takes my breath away. If I try to lie down for some rest, she moves so much that I just want to scream at her.

It may seem funny to everyone else that I am incapable of doing the easiest of tasks, but the frustration has gotten the best of me. If I drop something on the floor, I have to stand there and look at it until I either get up enough strength and air in my lungs to bend over and pick it up or until someone comes along who can pick it up for me. I don't like depending on everyone for everything. I don't like being this big anymore. Even my maternity clothes don't fit me anymore.

My bladder is a constant source of irritation and pain. It seems like I live in the bathroom anymore and if I'm not in the bathroom my bladder is aching because she's on it and I wish I could pee. Sleeping is impossible anymore because I have to pee so often. I get up to use the restroom and after I empty my bladder, I lie back down and Cambria is more active than ever.

OK. This blog was way longer than this, but then blogger had a malfunction and deleted more than half of it. So that's all you get. Thanks, blogger!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Alicia my one and only Roommate. I wish I could say "I know how you feel." But that would be untrue. But I can give lots of encouragment that will hopefully make you feel better. You are Wonderful. There are so many poeple in your situation that would have given up. But not you. You have taken this challenge and have made the best of it. I have so much respect for you and how you have found joy in the child that is growing inside you. You have been such an inspiration to me and a wonderful friend. Once you have made it through this I know that you can do anything. The baby has to cook a little longer and then one day she will be in your arms. Stay strong and remember that Jesus loves you and so do I.